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Celebrities with your Portion

OK, let’s have some fun. Do we know any of these celebs? No. But if they had a b’nai mitzvah around their 13th birthday, these are the parashiyot they would have performed.

…and if you are a celeb and want to talk with me about your big day, just call me! Don’t be a big shot!

Parashat Achrei Mot-Kedoshim

Joc Pederson

Burt Bacharach

Hank Azaria

Joseph Heller

Dave Franco

Gene Wilder

Les Paul

Saul Bellow

Zack Weiss

Amy Winehouse

David Lee Roth

Elie Wiesel

Gwyneth Paltrow

Harry Connick Jr.

Lenny Krayzelburg

Jared Shuster

Dustin Hoffman

Gene Simmons

Leon Uris

Shelley Winters

Beanie Feldstein

Kat Dennings

Martin Landau

Shia LaBeouf

Mitchell Schwartz

Parashat Balak

Anita Diamant

Gary Shteyngart

Tobey Maguire

Parashat Bamidbar

Benny Goodman

Gal Gadot

Herman Wouk

Odeya Rush

Tony Curtis

Garrett Stubbs

Parashat Bechukotai

Bob Dylan

Michael Chabon

Omri Katz

Parashat Bereshit

Harold Pinter

Jami Gertz

Jeff Goldblum

Jesse Eisenberg

Liev Schreiber

Peter Green

Sacha Baron Cohen

Parashat Beshalach

Logan Lerman

Paul Rudd

Mark Spitz

Parashat Bo

Mia Kirshner

Zosia Mamet

Parashat Chayei Sara

Danny DeVito

Mike D (Michael Diamond)

Pete Davidson

Scarlett Johansson

Shawn Green

Amare Stoudemire

Parashat Chukat

Barry Manilow

Jason Schwartzman

Mel Brooks

Natalie Portman

Parashat Devarim

Estelle Getty

Joey King

Josh Radnor

Lisa Kudrow

Lolo Jones

Parashat Eikev

Daniel Radcliffe

David Duchovny

Elliott Gould

Mark Knopfler

MCA (Adam Yauch)

Tara Lipinski

Parashat Emor

Alexander Gould

Bea Arthur

Billy Joel

Dianna Agron

Parashat Kedoshim

Bernard Malamud

Jerry Seinfeld

Parashat Ki Tavo

Adam Sandler

Josh Charles

Lea Michele

Leonard Bernstein

Parashat Ki Teitzei

Andrew Garfield

Chris Pine

Etgar Keret

Evan Rachel Wood

Howard Jacobson

Itzhak Perlman

Peter Falk

Pink (Alecia Moore)

Parashat Ki Tisa

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Rashida Jones

Parashat Korach

Lizzy Caplan

Parashat Lech-Lecha

Ad-Rock (Adam Horovitz)

Art Garfunkel

David Schwimmer

Drake (Aubrey Graham)

Joaquin Phoenix

Richard Dreyfuss

Roseanne Barr

Parashat Matot-Masei

B.J. Novak

Harrison Ford

Phoebe Snow

Omri Casspi

Parashat Metzora

Adrien Brody

Kate Hudson

Seth Rogen

Parashat Miketz

Alan King

Corey Haim

Emmanuelle Chriqui

Judd Apatow

Mayim Bialik

Sarah Silverman

Simon Helberg

Timothee Chalamet

Scott Effross

Parashat Mishpatim

Isla Fisher

Jonathan Safran Foer

Josh Rosen

Parashat Nasso

Aaron Taylor-Johnson

Lenny Kravitz

Molly Ephraim

Troye Sivan

Aly Raisman

Dave Roberts

Julian Edelman

Parashat Nitzavim-Vayeilech

Ben Platt

Fran Drescher

Michael Douglas

Parashat Noach

Bob Geldof

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Michael Landon

Winona Ryder

Parashat Pinchas

Allegra Goodman

Corey Feldman

James Maslow

Michelle Kwan

Parashat Shemot

Amanda Peet

J.D. Salinger

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Rod Serling

Kevin Pillar

Parashat Shmini

Zach Braff

Brad Ausmus

Parashat Shoftim

Andy Samberg

Mila Kunis

Nicole Krauss

Parashat Tazria-Metzora

Barbra Streisand

James Franco

Dara Torres

Sarah Hughes

Parashat Terumah

Aharon Appelfeld

Ben Schnetzer

Chaim Potok

Shelley Berman

Parashat Tetzaveh

Alan Rickman

Amos Oz

Lou Reed

Parashat Toldot

Ben Stiller

Kirk Douglas

Michael Vartan

Woody Allen

Kerri Strug

Ryan Braun

Jason Lezak

Parashat Tzav

Alan Arkin

Herb Alpert

Larry Page

Philip Roth

Rhea Perlman

Riki Lindhome

Sarah Jessica Parker

Sarah Michelle Gellar

Alex Bregman

Ike Davis

Parashat Vaera

Jason Segel

Max Fried

Harrison Phillips

Parashat Vaetchanan

Debra Messing

Geddy Lee

Jeremy Piven

Parashat Vayakhel

Adam Levin

Parashat Vayakhel-Pekudei

Alyson Hannigan

Ansel Elgort

Jerry Lewis

Parashat Vayechi

Bette Midler

Nathan Englander

Dean Kremer

Parashat Vayeilech

Lauren Bacall

Leonard Cohen

Paul Simon

Parashat Vayeshev

A.B. Yehoshua

Eli Wallach

Hailee Steinfeld

Randy Newman

Sandy Koufax

Jordan Farmar

Parashat Vayetzei

Adam Driver

Goldie Hawn

Mandy Patinkin

Parashat Vayigash

Isaac Asimov

Jake Gyllenhaal

Jerry Wexler

Jonah Hill

Maude Apatow

Nat Wolff

Parashat Vayikra

Billy Crystal

Emory Cohen

Hal Linden

Rowdy Tellez

Parashat Vayishlach

Adam Brody

Alden Ehrenreich

Isaac Bashevis Singer

Steven Spielberg

Zoe Kravitz

Parashat Yitro

Carole King

David Grossman

Neil Diamond

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